It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
