shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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