I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
soo... how was my night?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
