Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
