Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
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