get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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