I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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