my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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