Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
