he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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