Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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