You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
