i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
I did not marry a roomba.
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