no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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