last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
