WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
