peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
