that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
