I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
