Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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