we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Less talking, more tequila
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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