barbara walters just said penis...
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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