I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
