alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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