There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Randomize
