i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
