yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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