there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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