I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
