TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
