I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
