Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
only if we run a train.
done.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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