i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
you inspire me to be a worse person
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
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