your parents love me but you hate me
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
