Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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