38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
