Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Randomize
