i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
