Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Randomize
