Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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