Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
