So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
