this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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