that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Houston, we have a blender
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
