you traded sex for a burrito?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
