im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
