im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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