there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
