i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
