woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
