just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Pants are for mortals
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
