I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I need to stop coming to work sober
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Randomize
