im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
How does one acquire holy water?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Randomize
